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Topic: Need a Laugh?, I do...

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Her454

Libra

Pinky Tuscadero
100 post flame

Northern Calif
Posts: 429
APPD 0.05
Post Rank: 66

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,5:58 pm

Post # 1

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling around up and down the halls in her wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were speeding, can I see your drivers license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall again she goes, making sounds like she's driving a car. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says "Excuse me ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please? She digs around in her purse and pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooooms off again, up and down the halls weaving all over the place. As she comes to the old mans room, he jumps out. This time he is stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up at him and says.."Oh No, Not the breathalizer again!"

| Member # 73 | Joined: 1-19-2003 |

Her454

Libra

Pinky Tuscadero
100 post flame

Northern Calif
Posts: 429
APPD 0.05
Post Rank: 66

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:04 pm

Post # 2

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note back to the man. The note read "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read, "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, BMW 850IL and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over 20million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches"! Just send the bottle back!

| Member # 73 | Joined: 1-19-2003 |

Kim Hanson Male

Capricorn
HDF Bronze Supporter

....( . )( . )....
1,000 post flame

Alberta Canada
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Post Rank: 32

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:06 pm

Post # 3

Here ya go girl......Exercise

I am trying to stay in shape for the new year and found this new
Exercise program for people who spend too much time at the computer.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient.

*WARNING - THIS EXERCISE MAY BE TOO STRENUOUS FOR SOME PEOPLE.
ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.**

NOW SCROLL DOWN...
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
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> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > >NOW SCROLL UP... Feel the burn?
:laugh

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |

Her454

Libra

Pinky Tuscadero
100 post flame

Northern Calif
Posts: 429
APPD 0.05
Post Rank: 66

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:11 pm

Post # 4

Quote (Kim Hanson @ Mar. 06 2003,6:06 pm)

Thanks Kim, but Im going to take it slow at first.....dont want to over do it right before I go back to work!

| Member # 73 | Joined: 1-19-2003 |

Her454

Libra

Pinky Tuscadero
100 post flame

Northern Calif
Posts: 429
APPD 0.05
Post Rank: 66

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:23 pm

Post # 5

Ok, one more....and pardon the sarcasm....well, not really.

He said...Want a quickie?
She said....Opposed to what?

He said...I dont know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it..
She said...You wear briefs dont you?

He said...Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left the money.

He said...This coffee isn't fit for a pig.
She said...No problem, I'll get you some that is.

He said...Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said....Well, you succeeded.

She said...What do you mean comming home half drunk?
He said...Its not my fault, I ran out of money.

Priest...I dont think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said....Who's gonna look?

He said....Lets try a different position tonight?
She said...Thats a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

| Member # 73 | Joined: 1-19-2003 |

Kim Hanson Male

Capricorn
HDF Bronze Supporter

....( . )( . )....
1,000 post flame

Alberta Canada
Posts: 2,029
APPD 0.24
Post Rank: 32

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:27 pm

Post # 6

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know,
shag
> >>carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the
> >>girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me,
Whip
> >>me!"
> >>
> >>The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did
not
> >>have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the
window,
> >>snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they
both
> >>collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
> >>
> >>About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping
> >>session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The
doctor
> >>takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having
> >>sex?"
> >>
> >>
> >>The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, She did.
> >>Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in
> >>all my years of doctoring............
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >Wait for it...
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >Are you ready...?
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
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> >> >
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> >> >
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >...You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever
Seen."

:rotflmao

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |

knuckle head Male

Aquarius

"Stupid Bitch"

1,000 post flame

Encinitas Ca./The island of Roatan
Posts: 2,775
APPD 0.32
Post Rank: 22

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:33 pm

Post # 7

My girlfriend told me last night that I am a pervert. I told her that was a pretty big word for a 9 year old

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Knuckle Heads

| Member # 80 | Joined: 2-04-2003 |

knuckle head Male

Aquarius

"Stupid Bitch"

1,000 post flame

Encinitas Ca./The island of Roatan
Posts: 2,775
APPD 0.32
Post Rank: 22

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:39 pm

Post # 8

I have a question for every......
If Turkey attacks Iraq from behind will Greese help?

Knuckle Heads

| Member # 80 | Joined: 2-04-2003 |

GoFastRacer Male

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V-Driver For Life!

Big River, Ca
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Spectra20

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,6:56 pm

Post # 9

You guys are too funny!.. :laugh

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

Her454

Libra

Pinky Tuscadero
100 post flame

Northern Calif
Posts: 429
APPD 0.05
Post Rank: 66

Posted: Mar. 06 2003,8:12 pm

Post # 10

well Kim, apparently Im not the only one that needs excercise on the boards...

| Member # 73 | Joined: 1-19-2003 |

Mrs big boy toys Female

Libra

Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Ã‚Â Angel

500 post flame

Spokane Washington
Posts: 720
APPD 0.08
Post Rank: 50

Posted: Mar. 08 2003,6:27 am

Post # 11

Timing is everything

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."

He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked to the
car and knocked on the window.

The young man lowered his window and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a PC magazine."

Pointing toward the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"

he young man shrugged. "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car
at night, doing nothing but reading and knitting!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes"

God Bless Our Troops past, present, and future......"Thank You"

To all Vietnam Vets. You are all Hero's to me.

| Member # 88 | Joined: 2-19-2003 |

Kim Hanson Male

Capricorn
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....( . )( . )....
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APPD 0.24
Post Rank: 32

Posted: Mar. 08 2003,10:49 am

Post # 12

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing." Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was aquainted."
:laugh

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |

knuckle head Male

Aquarius

"Stupid Bitch"

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Post Rank: 22

Posted: Mar. 10 2003,6:03 pm

Post # 13

Ya think ya all culd help me paints my new ride

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Knuckle Heads

| Member # 80 | Joined: 2-04-2003 |

GoFastRacer Male

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Big River, Ca
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Posted: Mar. 10 2003,6:07 pm

Post # 14

Totally self contained huh!.. :rotflmao

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

Kim Hanson Male

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Posted: Mar. 10 2003,8:21 pm

Post # 15

WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often.

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |

Kim Hanson Male

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Alberta Canada
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Post Rank: 32

Posted: Mar. 10 2003,8:22 pm

Post # 16

Funny Factoids

Everyone has a photographic memory, but some don't have any film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck we would all fall off.
:rotflmao

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |

GoFastRacer Male

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Spectra20

Posted: Mar. 10 2003,8:33 pm

Post # 17

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

JetBoatRich Male

Leo

Pinto

Lancaster, CA
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Posted: Mar. 11 2003,6:45 am

Post # 18

This had me laughing:
Cat Fun

JetBoatRich

| Member # 22 | Joined: 12-09-2002 |

GoFastRacer Male

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Posted: Mar. 11 2003,7:43 am

Post # 19

That is a classic!.. :laugh

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

knuckle head Male

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Posted: Mar. 11 2003,8:39 am

Post # 20

A normal day @ my house

Knuckle Heads

| Member # 80 | Joined: 2-04-2003 |

knuckle head Male

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"Stupid Bitch"

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Posted: Mar. 11 2003,8:41 am

Post # 21

Quote (Knuckle head @ Mar. 11 2003,8:39 am)

A normal day @ my house

oops

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Knuckle Heads

| Member # 80 | Joined: 2-04-2003 |

GoFastRacer Male

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Posted: Mar. 11 2003,6:02 pm

Post # 22

Priceless!.

| Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |

Kim Hanson Male

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Posted: Mar. 11 2003,6:26 pm

Post # 23

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you."

The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you."

The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?"

"Moses."

"What dummy named you Moses?"

"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."

Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................

| Member # 17 | Joined: 12-06-2002 |