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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Dec. 27 2013,4:22 am Post # 1701 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Earl asked Jerry, "At your ripe age, what would

you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered,"Definitely Parkinson's.

Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to

forget where you keep the bottle!!"
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Post Icon Posted: Dec. 29 2013,10:45 am Post # 1702 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Bear walks into a bar with his arm all bandaged, Bartender asks "Can I help you buddy?"

Bear replies.... "Im looking for the man what shot my paw....."


:rolleyes



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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 02 2014,4:37 am Post # 1703 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 02 2014,7:17 am Post # 1704 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (GoFastRacer @ Dec. 27 2013,5:22 am)
Earl asked Jerry, "At your ripe age, what would

you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered,"Definitely Parkinson's.

Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to

forget where you keep the bottle!!"

:laugh  I have to agree with that.  :D
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 02 2014,7:18 am Post # 1705 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (GoFastRacer @ Jan. 02 2014,5:37 am)
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since nearly all of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

:rotflmao  Piled High!!!   :laugh   :good
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 06 2014,4:46 am Post # 1706 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:eek

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with  such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a  photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 06 2014,8:53 am Post # 1707 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:eek  DOH!!!




:laugh
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 09 2014,4:46 am Post # 1708 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
I hate all  this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself,  "I'm going to take that."
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 09 2014,12:50 pm Post # 1709 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:eek   :laugh   :rotflmao   :rotflmao
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 09 2014,4:06 pm Post # 1710 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted, “Idiot!  I do not need an over-priced tie.  I need water!  I should kill you, but I must find water first!”

“OK,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.  I will show you that I am bigger than that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.   It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said,

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie!”

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 10 2014,4:50 am Post # 1711 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:laugh  :rotflmao  :laugh
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 10 2014,9:27 am Post # 1712 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao  :rotflmao   :good   :rotflmao
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 19 2014,4:46 am Post # 1713 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
I was at the pub yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan.
       I asked him how it was going, and if he was making any more movies.

       He told me, "Me no longer make movies.  Me have severe arthritis,
       both shoulders bad and not swing from vine to tree no more".

       I asked about Boy, and he told me:

       "Boy gone big city, get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic,
       and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something."

       I asked how Jane was doing?  He told me:

       "Jane in bad shape, in nursing home,
       has bad Alzheimer's and not recognizes anyone."  How sad!

       I asked about Cheeta:  He beamed and said:
       "Cheeta do good.  She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery,
       now live in White House!!!"
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 21 2014,9:51 am Post # 1714 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao    :rotflmao   :rotflmao   :good   :rotflmao
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 23 2014,4:37 am Post # 1715 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Man in a hot air balloon is  lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and  shouts to him, 'Where am I?' The farmer looks back up and shouts  back,

'You're in a basket you dumb $hit!'
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Post Icon Posted: Jan. 23 2014,9:48 am Post # 1716 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao   :beat  :rotflmao
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Post Icon Posted: Feb. 16 2014,4:42 am Post # 1717 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:laugh


Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if

you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day

because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a

thunderous prayer meeting.. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my

bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was

stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about

the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd

never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!  
Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up

in the air. I asked my young teenage great-grandson in the back seat what

that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and

gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.
Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to

pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had

changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through

the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the

intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them

after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the

Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

I will write again soon,

Love, Great-Grandma
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Post Icon Posted: Feb. 16 2014,12:08 pm Post # 1718 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao  :rotflmao  :rotflmao   I  thought that was Hawaiian for number one
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Post Icon Posted: Feb. 20 2014,9:21 pm Post # 1719 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
"So just exactly how did you get that golf club wrapped around your head?" the Doctor asked....

"Well, my wife and I were out golfing when she shanked one off into a farmers field. As I was looking for her ball I noticed something white and shiny stuck in the south end of a north facing girl-cow. I alerted my wife as I walked up to said girl-cow, and thinking how incredible it was to have an errant shot end up stuck in the lady-parts of said girl-cow, probably should have chosen my words a mite better when I lifted that girl-cows tail and shouted over to my wife for all to hear..... "Hey Honey! This one looks just like yours!"  Yeah, that's pretty much all I remember.........



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Post Icon Posted: Feb. 21 2014,4:27 am Post # 1720 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:eek  :laugh  :rotflmao  :eek
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Post Icon Posted: Feb. 21 2014,9:57 am Post # 1721 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:rotflmao  :rotflmao  :eek   :laugh  :rotflmao
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Post Icon Posted: Feb. 23 2014,4:37 am Post # 1722 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:D
slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece .
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink
containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked
magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
   
"OH!! Limp pricks!"
   
Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into "Olympics."

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
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Post Icon Posted: Mar. 06 2014,10:32 pm Post # 1723 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the he turned to her and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.

"How about global warming or universal health care?" and he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics.
But let me ask you a question first...A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a soft, flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know $hiat?"
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Post Icon Posted: Mar. 06 2014,10:36 pm Post # 1724 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
It's Game 7 of the NBA finals, and a man goes over to his front row seat right at center court. He sits down and notices the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "Afraid not" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals, game 7, and not use it??"

The neighbor replies, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first game that we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible" replies the man. "But, surely you don't have to sit alone? You couldn't find a friend or relative to join you?" The man shakes his head.

"Afraid not, he says. They're all at the funeral."

:laugh
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Post Icon Posted: Mar. 07 2014,4:28 am Post # 1725 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
:laugh  :rotflmao  :good  :beer
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