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Dyce51

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Brunswick, Ohio
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no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:14 pm

Post # 1

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
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Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:18 pm

Post # 2

THE PHOTOGRAPHER
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
> decided to use a surrogate father to start their
> family.
> On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
> kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
> now.
> The man should be here soon."
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
> baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
> hoping to make a sale.
> "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to..."
> "Oh, no need to explain..." Mrs. Smith cut in,
> embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
> "Have your really?" said the photographer. "Well,
> that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
> "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
> come in and have a seat."
> After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do
> we start?"
> "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
> bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on
> the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
> You can really spread out there."
> "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
> work out for Harry and me!"
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
> every time. But if we try several different
> positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm > sure you'll be pleased with the results."
> "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
> "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his
> time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
> I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
> "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out
> a portfolio of his baby pictures.
> "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
> "Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
> throat.
> "And these twins turned out exceptionally well -
> when you consider their mother was so difficult to
> work with."
> "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
> "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to
> the park to get the job done right. People were
> crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
> "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide
> with amazement.
> "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
> three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling! I could hardly concentrate,
> and when darkness approached I had to rush my
> shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling
> on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they
> actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"
> "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll
> set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
> "Tripod?"
> "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
> Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
> very long."
> Mrs. Smith fainted.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:22 pm

Post # 3

Customer Service...

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story f rom the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired, however he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations) starts here:

Employee--"Rich Hall, Computer Assistance; may I help you?"

Customer--"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Employee--"What sort of trouble?"

Customer--"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden, the words went away."

Employee--"Went away?"

Customer--"They disappeared."

Employee--"Hmmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer--"Nothing."

Employee--"Nothing?"

Customer--"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

Employee--"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer--"How do I tell?"

Employee--"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?"

Customer--"What is a sea prompt?"

Employee--"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Customer--"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Employee--"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer--"What's a monitor?"

Employee--"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer--"I don't know"

Employee--"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer--"Yes, I think so."

Employee--"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer--"Yes, it is."

Employee--"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer--"No."

Employee--"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer--"Okay, here it is."

Employee--"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer--"I can't reach."

Employee--"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer--"No."

Employee--"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer--"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."

Employee--"Dark?"

Customer--"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Employee--"Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer--"I can't."

Employee--"No? Why not?"

Customer--"Because there's a power failure."

Employee--"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer--"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Employee--"Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from".

Customer--"Really? Is it that bad?"

Employee--"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer--"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Employee--"Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer...

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
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Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:24 pm

Post # 4

guy walks into a bar...at the end of the bar is a mayonaise jar full of 20 dollar bills...guy says..whats the deal with the money?? bartender says...you do 3 tasks i give you and you get all the money. you dont hear the tasks until you put in the money and you cant pull your money out after you hear the tasks.
dude puts in 20 dollars..........what do i do?
1 drink a gallon of tequiela without batting a eye
2. mean ole pit bull out back with a bad tooth..pull the tooth with your bear hands.
3. my 90 year old granny is upstairs and has never been satisfied by a man....you got to get that job done.
guy says to the bartender......let me think on this a spell.

he anounces to the bar ......give me that tequila.....the bar erupts with claps and horrays.
he guzzles the whole gallon down ......didn't blink a eye.
he wipes his mouth and says.........where is that stupid dog.
bartender...........out back
guy gose outside you hear bitting and yelping and the most god awful fight you ever heard in your life....
guy walks into the bar....all bloodie and messed up...he looks at the bartender and says...........ok where is that old chick with the bad tooth??

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:27 pm

Post # 5

What's the square root of 69?

8 something

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:30 pm

Post # 6

This ones a lil nasty

What's green and brown and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:31 pm

Post # 7

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:32 pm

Post # 8

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone!

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:35 pm

Post # 9

How do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

The big hand touches the little hand.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:36 pm

Post # 10

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time"...A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s--t!

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:45 pm

Post # 11

How can you tell an Irishman from a Scotman?

Look under the kilt, if it 's a quarter-pounder, it's a McDonald.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:45 pm

Post # 12

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet paper and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:48 pm

Post # 13

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row, Row, Row yer boat...

Like Larry the Cable Guy said, "Went fishing in Florida, and caught a Cuban".

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:52 pm

Post # 14

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with thisreally cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:55 pm

Post # 15

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big
under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of
duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:56 pm

Post # 16

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide.The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
Cyanide?"The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now.
You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:56 pm

Post # 17

Confucious say: "Mariage like game of cards. Start with pair, end up with full house"

Confucious also say: "He who f*ck up, make mess on ceiling."

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:58 pm

Post # 18

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So
what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, for the love of God, put down the gun!'"

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,5:59 pm

Post # 19

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*#king map again."

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

Dyce51

Taurus

Boat Racer
1,000 post flame

Brunswick, Ohio
Posts: 1,288
APPD 0.19
Post Rank: 38
no boat right now

Posted: Mar. 14 2007,6:04 pm

Post # 20

Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup.
Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck.
Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would..
We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods..
She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want"

Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...

if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

| Member # 2816 | Joined: 3-12-2007 |

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