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ZiggyMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 12 2007,8:22 am Post # 1 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Last Comic standing:
If I end up being sentenced to the electric chair my last meal request will be a bag of unpopped popcorn..
.
Female comic: It's not a good idea to wrap your head in a towel after a shower if your husband has just returned from combat duty in Iraq..
.
.
who else has a few jokes or funny lines they've heard to share?

Ain't life Grand? Treat it that way.
The Love of my Life, Jan.
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Post Icon Posted: July 12 2007,10:19 am Post # 2 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for  while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: July 12 2007,10:21 am Post # 3 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: July 12 2007,10:52 am Post # 4 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
His head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
All your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
Your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
Sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
Job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."
He puts all his money on RED 23.
The dealer spins the wheel.
It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says "Shit!!"
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Post Icon Posted: July 12 2007,11:49 am Post # 5 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (Lightning @ July 12 2007,10:52 am)
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
His head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
All your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
Your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
Sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
Job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."
He puts all his money on RED 23.
The dealer spins the wheel.
It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says "Shit!!"

Don...Is that you?? :stupid  :laugh  :D

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com
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ZiggyMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 12 2007,12:05 pm Post # 6 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
NewFoundland joke.
There's a guy sitting in a row boat in the middle of a grassy field a few hundred feet from the roadside paddling frantically. Another Newfie driving by in his car stops at the side of the road and starts yelling at the guy in the boat....You fricken idiot, its guys like you that give us Newfies a bad reputation. I'd come out there and slap the crap out of you if only I knew how to swim.
:D

Ain't life Grand? Treat it that way.
The Love of my Life, Jan.
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Post Icon Posted: July 13 2007,7:11 am Post # 7 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (Carrera Elite @ July 12 2007,11:49 am)
Quote (Lightning @ July 12 2007,10:52 am)
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
His head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
All your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
Your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
Sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
Job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."
He puts all his money on RED 23.
The dealer spins the wheel.
It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says "Shit!!"

Don...Is that you?? :stupid  :laugh  :D

LMAO!.. :laugh  :rotflmao
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 13 2007,10:16 am Post # 8 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $1,000.00

The cannibal called the cook over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Democrat?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook.”

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com
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ZiggyMale Offline
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Oceanside, Ca./Lake Havasu, Az.
Posts: 7,441
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Post Icon Posted: July 13 2007,2:01 pm Post # 9 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (Carrera Elite @ July 13 2007,9:16 am)
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $1,000.00

The cannibal called the cook over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the Democrat?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook.”

:good
:rotflmao

Ain't life Grand? Treat it that way.
The Love of my Life, Jan.
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lawbreaker2Male Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 13 2007,6:20 pm Post # 10 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (Carrera Elite @ July 12 2007,11:49 am)
Quote (Lightning @ July 12 2007,10:52 am)
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
His head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
All your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
Your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
Sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
Job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."
He goes to Caesar's Palace.
The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to the roulette table.
The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."
He puts all his money on RED 23.
The dealer spins the wheel.
It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says "Shit!!"

Don...Is that you?? :stupid  :laugh  :D

No!!!! I try not to listen to the voices in my head, Cuz when I do, I allways seem to get hurt.



^^^^ Global Warming  NOT HERE
The Planet has a fever!!!!!!!!!
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ZiggyMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 13 2007,9:52 pm Post # 11 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
very overweight black man in heaven sitting on cloud 9, some of his friends over on cloud 10 say to him, come hang out with us over here....he replys: "guys, you know I can't fly over there, I got no wings".
Where'd they go?
"I couldn't resist and fried 'em up, they were tasty".
.
Another Last Comic Standing joke.

Ain't life Grand? Treat it that way.
The Love of my Life, Jan.
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DavidMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 14 2007,4:05 pm Post # 12 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
A gal took her boat to a repairman on the lake at Lake Havasu.  She told the mechanic that it did not have any power.  

So the mechanic worked on it, and once completed notified the lady that it was fixed.  She paid him and headed off with her boat.  

An hour later she pulled her boat up to the mechanic's dock and said, now the power is even worse.  So the mechanic and his helper got in her boat and started it up.  

The boat started immediately and the mechanic revved the engine and watching the tach, he was sure that everything was ok.

The lady insisted that something was wrong.  So the mechanic told his helper to jump in the lake and see if anything was attached to the prop.  The helper did so and coming out of the water the helper noticed the lady's hair.

Seeing that she was a blond, he knew the problem.  He explained to the mechanic that the boat was still strapped to the trailer.

Edited by David on July 14 2007,4:08 pm

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Post Icon Posted: July 14 2007,4:34 pm Post # 13 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (David @ July 14 2007,4:05 pm)
Seeing that she was a blond, he knew the problem.  He explained to the mechanic that the boat was still strapped to the trailer.

That's my wife, boat, & trailer, your joking about.
Don't worry, She does this all the time.
BTW, have you seen my truck anywhere?

"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR
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DavidMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 14 2007,5:51 pm Post # 14 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Hay WATERDOG, I didn't know you wife was a blond.

You can't go forward looking back!
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WATERDOGMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 14 2007,5:59 pm Post # 15 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Quote (David @ July 14 2007,5:51 pm)
Hay WATERDOG, I didn't know you wife was a blond.

Pure blond all the way to the bone. And she proves it every day. Believe me, it's always fun around here.

"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR
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Post Icon Posted: July 14 2007,11:17 pm Post # 16 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Especially if she reads this.... :eek

Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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DavidMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 15 2007,8:16 am Post # 17 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
I Bet she would appreciate.  LOL

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DavidMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: July 15 2007,4:43 pm Post # 18 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply
Bob and Bill were playing golf when a funeral coach came buy and Bill removed his cap and put it over his heart.  Bob said to Bill,  " I did't know that you were this thoughtful."

And Bill replied, I'm not usually but I was married to her for over 40 years.

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