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HemiDudeMale Offline
Scorpio

Boat Racer
500 post flame
Glendale, AZ and Havasu
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Post Rank: 56
Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 06 2008,4:59 pm Post # 1 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

I'll go first.....

"Chuck and the Donkey"

Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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Kim HansonMale Offline
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....( . )( . )....
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 06 2008,6:16 pm Post # 2 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Funny................( . )( . ).......... :jumpie  :D


Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror."
..........................( . )( . )................................
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 06 2008,7:25 pm Post # 3 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (HemiDude @ Oct. 06 2008,4:59 pm)
I'll go first.....

"Chuck and the Donkey"

Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece
and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for the government.

:laugh  :rotflmao  :laugh  :good


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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shuemanMale Offline
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Born To Drive...
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Alta Loma CA
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NADA
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 06 2008,9:05 pm Post # 4 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Here's one:

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,  'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'

''Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'  and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes 100% . . .an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

''This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'


:laugh
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HemiDudeMale Offline
Scorpio

Boat Racer
500 post flame
Glendale, AZ and Havasu
Posts: 587
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Post Rank: 56
Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 06 2008,9:11 pm Post # 5 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (shueman @ Oct. 06 2008,9:05 pm)
Here's one:

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,  'Are you allergic to anything?'

He says 'Yes - just caffeine.'

''Have you ever been in the service?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'  and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says, 'Yes 100% . . .an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

''This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'


:laugh

:rotflmao  :good  :rotflmao  :rotflmao


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,6:03 am Post # 6 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:good  :laugh  :rotflmao
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,6:09 am Post # 7 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Why females should avoid girls night out:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I Told my
husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last Words.

Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3:00 a.m. And a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our Respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock
in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9
times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness.(Even when totally smashed d

... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos .. MIDNIGHT!;)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to ! read
the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock." When I Asked him
why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
"Oh, $hiat," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

:laugh
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DirtySquirtyMale Offline
Sagittarius
HDF Supporter

Boy named Sue
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Ventura, CA
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,7:28 am Post # 8 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:rotflmao  :rotflmao


"It seemed like a hell of an idea at the time".
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HemiDudeMale Offline
Scorpio

Boat Racer
500 post flame
Glendale, AZ and Havasu
Posts: 587
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Post Rank: 56
Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,10:49 am Post # 9 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

THE WISDOM OF OUR TIMES




It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.



You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.


We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?



 The original point and click interface  
was a Smith & Wesson.




Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.                                  


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL


Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.                                  


Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.                                  


If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.





We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.





Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.


Friends don't let friends
take ugly people  home.
 



Alabama state motto:  
At least we're not Mississippi
or South Carolina





ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.                                  





The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.                                  


The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.





 duuah !


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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HemiDudeMale Offline
Scorpio

Boat Racer
500 post flame
Glendale, AZ and Havasu
Posts: 587
APPD 0.11
Post Rank: 56
Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,11:08 am Post # 10 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Subject: Are you a girl or a boy????



> Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
> "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
>
> "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
>
> "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
>
> "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
>
> "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and
> find out."
>
> He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly
> disappeared beneath the blankets.
>
> After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
>
> "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
>
> "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell ?"
>
> "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
> ,
>
>
>
> ,
>
> "You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
>


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
Libra
HDF Supporter


10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame
Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,114
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Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,5:44 pm Post # 11 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 07 2008,6:09 am)
Why females should avoid girls night out:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I Told my
husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last Words.

Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3:00 a.m. And a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our Respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock
in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9
times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness.(Even when totally smashed d

... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos .. MIDNIGHT!;)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to ! read
the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock." When I Asked him
why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
"Oh, $hiat," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

:laugh

:laugh  :laugh  :laugh


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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shuemanMale Offline
Libra
HDF Gold Supporter

Born To Drive...
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Alta Loma CA
Posts: 17,227
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Post Rank: 4
NADA
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 07 2008,8:24 pm Post # 12 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (HemiDude @ Oct. 07 2008,11:08 am)
>
> "You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
>

:laugh  :good
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Purple JurkMale Offline
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Grumpy Old Fart
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,5:20 am Post # 13 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:rotflmao  :laugh

Attached Image
Attached Image


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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Purple JurkMale Offline
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Grumpy Old Fart
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,5:22 am Post # 14 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:rotflmao  :laugh

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Attached Image


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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V-Driver For Life!
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,5:27 am Post # 15 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:laugh  :rotflmao
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HemiDudeMale Offline
Scorpio

Boat Racer
500 post flame
Glendale, AZ and Havasu
Posts: 587
APPD 0.11
Post Rank: 56
Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,9:35 am Post # 16 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

This about sums it up...

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep .

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.



Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad , I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep $hiat.'


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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DirtySquirtyMale Offline
Sagittarius
HDF Supporter

Boy named Sue
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Ventura, CA
Posts: 12,202
APPD 2.27
Post Rank: 6
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,10:50 am Post # 17 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:rotflmao  :rotflmao


"It seemed like a hell of an idea at the time".
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website  | Member # 3157 | Joined: 9-06-2007 |
Carrera EliteMale Offline
Libra
HDF Supporter


10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame
Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,114
APPD 6.20
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,3:28 pm Post # 18 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for
$1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

“Okay, you have six months to live.”


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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SummitKarlMale Offline
Gemini

Bud Nipper
100 post flame100 post flame100 post flame
Havasu
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26' Sleekcraft Ambassador
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 08 2008,4:28 pm Post # 19 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

best one I got today.....

Why most men are Republicans

Attached Image
Attached Image


What happens in Havasu get's around in 5 minutes
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
HDF Supporter

V-Driver For Life!
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Big River, Ca
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Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 09 2008,5:50 am Post # 20 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note: "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
Libra
HDF Supporter


10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame
Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,114
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1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 09 2008,7:44 am Post # 21 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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HemiDudeMale Offline
Scorpio

Boat Racer
500 post flame
Glendale, AZ and Havasu
Posts: 587
APPD 0.11
Post Rank: 56
Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 09 2008,5:07 pm Post # 22 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

INSTALLING A HUSBAND
   
Dear Tech Support,
   

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as  NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0  and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  Please note, that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?  

Signed,

Desperate

       


DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
 
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.  

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,  Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers  3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a  very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.            
 
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a  virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system  resources.)
 
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software  to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Enticements 7.7

   
Good Luck!


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
HDF Supporter

V-Driver For Life!
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Big River, Ca
Posts: 60,876
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Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 10 2008,5:51 am Post # 23 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

   1st woman:    Hi! My name is Wanda.
   2nd woman:    Hi! I'm Sylvia.  How'd you die?

   1st woman:   I froze to death.
   2nd woman:   How horrible!

   1st woman:   It wasn't so bad.  After I quit
                shaking from the cold. I began to get
                warm and finally died a peaseful death.
                What about you?    

   2nd woman:   I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected
                 that my husband was cheating, so I came
                 home early to catch him in the act.  But instead
                 I found him all by himself in the den watching
                 TV.

   1st woman:   So what happened?

   2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another
                  woman there somewhere that I started
                  running all over the house looking. I ran
                  up into the attic and searched, then
                  down into the basement.
                  Then I went through every closet and
                  checked under all the beds. I kept
                  this up until I had looked everywhere,
                  and finally I became so exhausted that
                  I just keeled over with a heart attack
                  and died.
           

   1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be      

           alive.
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 12 2008,4:34 pm Post # 24 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
“What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell him a boat.”


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 12 2008,4:41 pm Post # 25 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (Carrera Elite @ Oct. 12 2008,4:34 pm)
An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.
“What kind of salesman are you?” the boss scolded. “Get out there and sell him a boat.”

:rolleyes  :laugh


"It seemed like a hell of an idea at the time".
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