Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Oct. 27 2008,6:26 pm
Post # 102
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
shueman
Libra
HDF Gold Supporter Born To Drive...
Alta Loma CA Posts: 17,228
APPD 2.33 Post Rank: 4 NADA
Posted: Oct. 28 2008,6:41 am
Post # 104
MEXICAN HURRICANE
A Category #5 hurricane hits MEXICO. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start in asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
CANADA'S sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil.
Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.
The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE) is sending food and money.
The USA, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
GoFastRacer
HDF Supporter V-Driver For Life!
Big River, Ca Posts: 62,404
APPD 8.07 Post Rank: 1 Spectra20
Posted: Oct. 28 2008,7:02 am
Post # 105
Quote (shueman @ Oct. 28 2008,6:41 am)
MEXICAN HURRICANE
A Category #5 hurricane hits MEXICO. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start in asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
CANADA'S sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
SAUDI ARABIA is sending oil.
Other LATIN AMERICAN countries are sending supplies.
The EUROPEAN community (except FRANCE) is sending food and money.
The USA, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
GoFastRacer
HDF Supporter V-Driver For Life!
Big River, Ca Posts: 62,404
APPD 8.07 Post Rank: 1 Spectra20
Posted: Oct. 29 2008,7:13 am
Post # 106
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'I f this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Oct. 29 2008,12:00 pm
Post # 108
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Oct. 29 2008,12:05 pm
Post # 109
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
GoFastRacer
HDF Supporter V-Driver For Life!
Big River, Ca Posts: 62,404
APPD 8.07 Post Rank: 1 Spectra20
Posted: Oct. 30 2008,6:00 am
Post # 110
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'I f this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.'
Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Oct. 31 2008,1:41 pm
Post # 111
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
GoFastRacer
HDF Supporter V-Driver For Life!
Big River, Ca Posts: 62,404
APPD 8.07 Post Rank: 1 Spectra20
Posted: Nov. 01 2008,5:41 am
Post # 114
A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Nov. 01 2008,11:37 am
Post # 116
Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Nov. 01 2008,11:40 am
Post # 117
A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and apprec- iates the business, but is also concerned.
"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""
The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream."
The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?"
The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
Carrera Elite
Libra
HDF Supporter
Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.64 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: Nov. 01 2008,12:07 pm
Post # 120
A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink. The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die."
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross- country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that"
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
HemiDude
Scorpio Boat Racer
Glendale, AZ and Havasu Posts: 587
APPD 0.10 Post Rank: 56 Say, is your wife doing anything
Posted: Nov. 01 2008,9:54 pm
Post # 121
CE your are making my stomach hurt BIG time...
Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!
"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
5-05-2024 Brrrr (Rep.#14,841) from: BigDog
KIDS!! 
