GoFastRacer
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Big River, Ca Posts: 62,431
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Posted: Mar. 15 2014,8:31 am
Post # 1727
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"
The contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat" 2. "Amnesty For Illegals" 3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks" 4. "Boycott Beef" 5. "I Voted For Obama" 6. " George Strait can't sing" 7. " Elect Hillary In 2016" 8. " Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor" 9. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer" 10. "Al Franken Is My Hero" 11. "I Side With Jane Fonda" 12. "It's Bush's Fault" 13. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"
And the last sticker is…
14. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
GoFastRacer
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Big River, Ca Posts: 62,431
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Posted: Mar. 20 2014,5:29 am
Post # 1729
It's Game 7 of the NBA finals, and a man goes over to his front row seat right at center court. He sits down and notices the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "Afraid not" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals, game 7, and not use it??"
The neighbor replies, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first game that we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible" replies the man. "But, surely you don't have to sit alone? You couldn't find a friend or relative to join you?" The man shakes his head.
"Afraid not, he says. They're all at the funeral."
Fragile Magic
Capricorn
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Posted: Mar. 20 2014,6:55 pm
Post # 1730
Quote (GoFastRacer @ Mar. 20 2014,5:29 am)
It's Game 7 of the NBA finals, and a man goes over to his front row seat right at center court. He sits down and notices the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "Afraid not" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals, game 7, and not use it??"
The neighbor replies, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first game that we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible" replies the man. "But, surely you don't have to sit alone? You couldn't find a friend or relative to join you?" The man shakes his head.
"Afraid not, he says. They're all at the funeral."
GoFastRacer
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Big River, Ca Posts: 62,431
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Posted: Mar. 24 2014,5:19 am
Post # 1731
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the he turned to her and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman.
"How about global warming or universal health care?" and he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first...A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a soft, flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replied,
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know $hit?"
GoFastRacer
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Posted: April 02 2014,5:08 am
Post # 1732
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100" she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style? "No," she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300." "No," she says. "I pay you $400." "No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
Carrera Elite
Libra
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Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
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Posted: April 23 2014,9:40 am
Post # 1735
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
Carrera Elite
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Posted: April 23 2014,9:45 am
Post # 1737
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. Smitty
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
Carrera Elite
Libra
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Glendale,AZ Posts: 44,127
APPD 5.63 Post Rank: 2 1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Posted: April 28 2014,6:36 pm
Post # 1740
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, you are wrong, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!! I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!
GoFastRacer
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Big River, Ca Posts: 62,431
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Posted: May 01 2014,5:09 am
Post # 1742
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese was the clever winner.
His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between "complete" and "finished." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand. Here is his reply.
When you marry the right woman, you are "complete." If you marry the wrong woman, you are "finished." And, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are "completely finished."
Fragile Magic
Capricorn
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Posted: May 05 2014,4:30 pm
Post # 1745
Happy Cinco de Mayo!!
For those of you not living in or near the Southwest, today marks one of Mexico's most celebrated holidays, but most people don't know the story of its creation. Back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery to Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico, or anywhere else for that matter. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were and still are crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.
Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as......
GoFastRacer
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Posted: Nov. 17 2017,4:38 am
Post # 1747
This ol Cowboy buys a book "How To Be A Ventriloquist". He reads it and practices till he gets pretty good at it. One day he's over at his Indian buddy's farm, and while they're out in the barn, he decides to mess with his buddy. The Cowboy says: Indian, does that Horse talk? The Indian says: Horse no talk. The Cowboy says: Let me ask him something, then says: Horse, how does this Indian treat you? He throws his voice to where it seems like the Horse says: Oh he rides the hell out of me when we go huntin, or when he's showin off for the Squaws, but at night he brings me in and feeds me well, and lets me sleep in the barn. I reckon he's a pretty good ol boy. The Indian just grunts.
The Cowboy then says: Indian does that Dog talk? The Indian says: Dog no talk. The Cowboy says: Let me ask him something, then says: Dog, how does this Indian treat you? He throws his voice again to where it seems like the Dog says: Oh he runs me hard and long when we go hunting, and he beats me when I chase his Chickens, but at night he brings me in the house and feeds me well, and lets me sleep on the floor. I reckon he's a pretty good ol boy. The Indian just grunts.
The Cowboy says: Indian does that Sheep talk? The Indian says: SHEEP LIE!
5-18-2024 Three Word Post.....The Next Generation.... (Rep.#18,958) from: GoFastRacer
