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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 12 2008,7:59 pm Post # 26 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants".

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.  He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;  I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.  There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back."
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,12:18 am Post # 27 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”


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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,12:20 am Post # 28 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and and iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."


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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,12:24 am Post # 29 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”


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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,12:26 am Post # 30 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,12:34 am Post # 31 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,5:38 am Post # 32 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:good  :laugh  :rotflmao
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Purple JurkMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,6:02 am Post # 33 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:laugh  :rotflmao  :good  :rotflmao


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,6:07 am Post # 34 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....and that's how the  fight started....

:laugh
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Purple JurkMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,6:16 am Post # 35 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:rotflmao  :laugh  I should give that a try!


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,6:57 am Post # 36 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (Purple Jurk @ Oct. 13 2008,6:16 am)
:rotflmao  :laugh  I should give that a try!

I'd think about that a bit!.. :laugh
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,7:00 am Post # 37 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..... And that's how the fight started.
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,2:50 pm Post # 38 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 13 2008,6:07 am)
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....and that's how the  fight started....

:laugh

She Got What She Asked For!!  :laugh  :laugh


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I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,2:51 pm Post # 39 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 13 2008,7:00 am)
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream..... And that's how the fight started.

Remember, Beauty Is Only A Light Swith Away...... :eek  :laugh  :D


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 13 2008,2:53 pm Post # 40 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband


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I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 14 2008,6:13 am Post # 41 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:good  :D  :laugh  :rotflmao
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 14 2008,6:34 am Post # 42 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:good  :rotflmao  :D


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 14 2008,7:02 am Post # 43 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my

driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and

realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was

very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The

woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is

proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security

application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have

dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'.

And that's how the fight started.....
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 14 2008,9:52 am Post # 44 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:eek  :rolleyes  :eek  :laugh  :laugh


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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 14 2008,9:55 am Post # 45 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that
he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy


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I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 14 2008,9:56 am Post # 46 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 15 2008,9:38 am Post # 47 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it." "That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 15 2008,9:39 am Post # 48 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 15 2008,9:42 am Post # 49 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."

She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 15 2008,12:32 pm Post # 50 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.


I guess that means all of us!!


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,  'What happened to my booger?'


It's a fact of Life:

After Monday and Tuesday, even the Calendar says : WTF .......
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