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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 15 2008,12:51 pm Post # 51 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GlassMan @ Oct. 15 2008,12:32 pm)
This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.


I guess that means all of us!!


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,  'What happened to my booger?'

:eek  :laugh  :laugh


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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HemiDudeMale Offline
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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 18 2008,6:42 pm Post # 52 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (Carrera Elite @ Oct. 15 2008,12:51 pm)
Quote (GlassMan @ Oct. 15 2008,12:32 pm)
This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.


I guess that means all of us!!


DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,  'What happened to my booger?'

:eek  :laugh  :laugh

:rotflmao  :rotflmao  :rotflmao  :beer


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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HemiDudeMale Offline
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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 18 2008,6:44 pm Post # 53 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out
to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish,
the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would
now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back
to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of
monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let
alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.  In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers:
"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected.
I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city,
you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys
for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of
monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,5:46 am Post # 54 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..........."
                 
He sighed................

               
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,8:31 am Post # 55 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 19 2008,5:46 am)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..........."
                 
He sighed................

               
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

:laugh I Think That I've Met Her!!  :laugh


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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WATERDOGMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,8:45 am Post # 56 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (Carrera Elite @ Oct. 19 2008,8:31 am)
Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 19 2008,5:46 am)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..........."
                 
He sighed................

               
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

:laugh I Think That I've Met Her!!  :laugh

I married her.


"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,8:47 am Post # 57 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (WATERDOG @ Oct. 19 2008,8:45 am)
Quote (Carrera Elite @ Oct. 19 2008,8:31 am)
Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 19 2008,5:46 am)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..........."
                 
He sighed................

               
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

:laugh I Think That I've Met Her!!  :laugh

I married her.

:laugh  :rotflmao
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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,8:48 am Post # 58 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes:

Sipping her drink, the single girl smirked and said 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.

I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

:laugh
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,8:59 am Post # 59 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:eek And Then He Slept On The Couch For A Week..... :laugh  :D


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,9:02 am Post # 60 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

At least if he was lucky!.. :laugh
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,9:44 am Post # 61 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad


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I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,9:49 am Post # 62 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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HemiDudeMale Offline
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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,6:16 pm Post # 63 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

> It's important to understand the terminology to know
> what is going on.
>
>
> Stock Market Terms:
>
> CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
>
> CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
>
> BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor
> to mistake
> themselves for a financial genius.
>
> BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
> allowance, the
> wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
>
> VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
>
>
> FINANCIAL ADVISOR -- A guy whose phone has been
> disconnected.(after he
> Bought Low and Sold  Lower)
>
> CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears
> down the
> toilet.
>
> BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
>
> P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their
> pants as the
> market keeps crashing.
>
> STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
>
> STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
>
> STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-spouse and the lawyer split
> your assets
> equally between themselves.
>
> MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
>
> YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
> for $240 per
> share.
>
> WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker
> who bought Yahoo @
> $240 per share.
>
> INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now
> locked up in a nut
> house.
>
> PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Posts: 44,114
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1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,6:35 pm Post # 64 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (HemiDude @ Oct. 19 2008,6:16 pm)

:eek That's About It!! :eek


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Posts: 44,114
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1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,6:37 pm Post # 65 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,6:43 pm Post # 66 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Sign seen in a veterinarian’s office:
The doctor is in. Sit. Stay.


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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GoFastRacerMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 19 2008,9:18 pm Post # 67 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

After retiring, this guy went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify
his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he
opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social
Security application. When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about
his experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!...

And that's how the fight started.....


Edited by GoFastRacer on Oct. 19 2008,9:19 pm
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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,12:44 am Post # 68 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 19 2008,9:18 pm)
After retiring, this guy went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify
his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So he
opened his shirt revealing his curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social
Security application. When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about
his experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have
dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!...

And that's how the fight started.....

Did Your Wife Win That Fight??  :stupid  :laugh  :D


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,12:47 am Post # 69 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,12:49 am Post # 70 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

You Don't Need to Be a Weatherman...

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Carrera EliteMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,12:52 am Post # 71 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably.

She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement.

She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him.

Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.

She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.

He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?"

She looks at him and says, "yes".

He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail."

She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is."

He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |
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Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,114
APPD 6.20
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,12:58 am Post # 72 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: “I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.”
Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |
GoFastRacerMale Offline
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V-Driver For Life!
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Big River, Ca
Posts: 60,876
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Spectra20
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,7:36 am Post # 73 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon  quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send
him out on  the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to
report on all the neighborhood  activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan
into  operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot",  he
shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the  Anderson's have company", he called
out.
"Matt's riding a new  bike..."
"Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his  skate board....."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers  are
having sex!!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed!   Dad
cautiously called out,
"How do you know they are having  sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with  a
Popsicle."
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website  | Member # 101 | Joined: 3-03-2003 |
Carrera EliteMale Offline
Libra
HDF Supporter


10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame10,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame1,000 post flame100 post flame
Glendale,AZ
Posts: 44,114
APPD 6.20
Post Rank: 2
1990 Carrera 23.5 Classic
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,6:54 pm Post # 74 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:eek  :laugh  :laugh


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

WWW.StormPokerRuns.Com

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| Member # 8 | Joined: 12-04-2002 |
Purple JurkMale Offline
Virgo
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Grumpy Old Fart
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Apple Valley, SoCal
Posts: 9,553
APPD 1.73
Post Rank: 9
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,7:28 pm Post # 75 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:D  :laugh  :rotflmao


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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| Member # 2846 | Joined: 4-08-2007 |
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