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Purple JurkMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,7:29 pm Post # 76 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. With the price of gas today, we can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

And the man replies . . . . . . . . .

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 20 2008,10:13 pm Post # 77 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (Purple Jurk @ Oct. 20 2008,7:29 pm)
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. With the price of gas today, we can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

And the man replies . . . . . . . . .

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

Like the Bud commercial states; "True"



:rotflmao  :rotflmao  :rotflmao  :rotflmao  :good  :beer


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 21 2008,5:51 am Post # 78 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball.'

Man - 'That's nice'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside..'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove. ' The father
asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy -'$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that $hit again, you're in my closet now.'
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 21 2008,8:07 am Post # 79 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 21 2008,5:51 am)
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball.'

Man - 'That's nice'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside..'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove. ' The father
asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy -'$1,000.'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that $hit again, you're in my closet now.'

:say?  :good  :rotflmao  :rotflmao


"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 21 2008,9:08 am Post # 80 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (Purple Jurk @ Oct. 20 2008,7:29 pm)
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. With the price of gas today, we can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

And the man replies . . . . . . . . .

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

:laugh  :good  :laugh


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 21 2008,9:13 am Post # 81 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 21 2008,9:14 am Post # 82 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 22 2008,5:26 pm Post # 83 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”


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I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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shuemanMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 22 2008,6:07 pm Post # 84 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:rotflmao  :laugh  :good
My favorite joke of the day, every day, is to see what Palin has to say... :D
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 22 2008,6:52 pm Post # 85 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (shueman @ Oct. 22 2008,6:07 pm)
:rotflmao  :laugh  :good
My favorite joke of the day, every day, is to see what Palin has to say... :D

When she says, "Drill Baby, Drill." she ain't talkin' to the dentist. And don't ask, I have no idea what she says to the hubby.


"Damn you sure know how to fock things up."-GFR
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 23 2008,4:45 am Post # 86 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (shueman @ Oct. 22 2008,6:07 pm)
:rotflmao  :laugh  :good
My favorite joke of the day, every day, is to see what Palin has to say... :D

....

Attached Image
Attached Image


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 23 2008,5:51 am Post # 87 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'It is used for headaches'
Second pupil: 'Nytol'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
Pupil: 'To help you sleep'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: 'Viagra'
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Johnny, What do you think is it used for?'
Johnny: 'It can be used for diarrhea'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Johnny: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ..
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little $hit will get harder'
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shuemanMale Offline
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 23 2008,5:56 am Post # 88 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (GoFastRacer @ Oct. 23 2008,5:51 am)
Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
First pupil: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'It is used for headaches'
Second pupil: 'Nytol'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
Pupil: 'To help you sleep'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: 'Viagra'
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Johnny, What do you think is it used for?'
Johnny: 'It can be used for diarrhea'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Johnny: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ..
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little $hit will get harder'

:rotflmao  :laugh  :rotflmao  :good  :beer
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 23 2008,10:56 am Post # 89 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:eek  :eek  :laugh  :laugh


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 23 2008,11:06 am Post # 90 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 24 2008,6:52 am Post # 91 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his  head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'


The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 25 2008,5:16 am Post # 92 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:laugh  :good  :D


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 25 2008,7:54 am Post # 93 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it.

They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.

The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"


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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 25 2008,7:03 pm Post # 94 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'    

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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HemiDudeMale Offline
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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 25 2008,9:12 pm Post # 95 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (shueman @ Oct. 22 2008,6:07 pm)
:rotflmao  :laugh  :good
My favorite joke of the day, every day, is to see what Palin has to say... :D

I particularily like it it when she states "Get Her Done!"...since I own the domain name: GetHerDone.com


:good  :jumpie  :jumpie  :jumpie  :beer


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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Say, is your wife doing anything
Post Icon Posted: Oct. 25 2008,9:13 pm Post # 96 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart
> covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>
> Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
> The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
> At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
> stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
> funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'
>
> The proctologist fainted.


Real motors are Hemis and Chevys, Fords dont count!

"Stress: (noun) - The confusion created when one's mind overules the body's basic desire to choke the living $hit out of some as$hole that desperately deserves it."
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 26 2008,7:52 am Post # 97 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

:good  :laugh  :laugh


Injected is nice, But I'd rather be Blown 
         
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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 26 2008,2:38 pm Post # 98 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Quote (HemiDude @ Oct. 25 2008,9:13 pm)

:laugh  :rotflmao  :good


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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 26 2008,2:41 pm Post # 99 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”


Sarcasim, Just one more thing that I offer for free!!
I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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Post Icon Posted: Oct. 26 2008,2:44 pm Post # 100 see this member send this member a private message  quote this post in reply

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better", said the soldier.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."


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I've Reached The Age Where Happy Hour Is A Nap!!

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